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Proper Showering
Wednesday. 8.29.07 10:37 pm
The following is a step-by-step showering procedure meant for those that swim 5 times a week. And/or have the quirks described.

1. Enter the bathroom. You're due for a shower, plus you really have to take a dump.
2. Lock the door, then strip off the swim suit you've been wearing for far too long. Be gentle with the worn spots, then rub your legs to resume normal circulation.
3. Make sure your comb and suit are in their places on the shower floor, that there's enough toiletries, and that the window blinds are pulled.
4. Sit on the toilet and do your business. Don't bother with wiping; you're about to get in the shower, wipe in there.
5. Step into the shower, then acknowledge your mom calling.
6. Grab a robe and head downstairs for dinner. You need your energy, and pasta is really yummy. Make sure your too-small robe always covers your privates; your mom has a friend over.
7. Eat fast and head upstairs. Put the robe back on the floor behind the toilet, lock the door, and start the water.
8. Take the soap and rub it in all your nooks and crannies. All of them. You smell like chlorine.
9. Turn off the shower head to preserve the soap suds, and let them have fun while you rinse out your suit.
10. Hang up the suit to drip dry, soap up the more normal parts of your body, and turn the shower back on. Rinse.
11. Take the time to comb water into your matted hair and then repeat with shampoo. There's no pool tomorrow and possible the day after, so you might as well have nice hair in between. Let the shampoo sit.
12. Ponder a new photographic idea involving water droplets, Vick's Vapor Rub, and your hand. Comb hair, then scrub out shampoo. Be sure to get out as much of your loose hair as possible.
13. Apply and vigorously lather conditioner, using the same logic as the shampoo. Let sit as before.
14. Exclaim audibly at the amount of hair stuck to your hand. Comb your head and exclaim again. Wash hand and comb.
15. Dance and sing Bohemian Rhapsody. This song is great for running a mile, showering, changing with a bunch of naked guys, but not for actually swimming. Do not attempt to sing Bohemian Rhapsody while swimming.
16. Switch to the faucet and scrub your head with your knuckles. Wash out all the conditioner. Then continue to knuckle your skull for 5 minutes or until your scalp bleeds. Admire the wad of hair collecting in the drain. Comb your head and wash the comb again.
17. Switch to shower one more time to wash all the stray hair off your body. Admire the drain wad again.
18. Turn off water and give your suit a nice squeeze. Decide that you're going to type up your experience.
19. Dry body first, then hair, again to avoid hair all over your body. Shake out towel and wonder why you shed so much. Forget underwear and grab some pajama pants.
20. Promptly forget all about your photographic idea, and spend the next 30 minutes typing about some lame shower episode.

Obviously, I added some stuff to make it more fun. Or, I think it's obvious. If you somehow feel compelled to spread this around, don't bother copying this part. Just the steps. Then again, I'd be pretty surprised if someone felt so compelled.
9 Comments.


that's pretty funny ... in a gross, weird, akward I don't know you kind of way =P
» LostSoul13 on 2007-08-29 10:53:22

Wow. Being a swimmer is awful complicated.

If I were more ambitious, I'd do a similar list for artists. Alas, I am lazy.
» Noacat on 2007-08-29 11:38:52

I can't believe I just read all that. Waste of my time! No, jk. It's interesting. ^-^
» Silver-dot- on 2007-08-30 04:01:30

My above comment...
...was me stunned into silence. Kidding. Delete it at will, or keep it if you want to keep your comment number a little higher.

I never realized showering was so complex. Everytime I do it I'm going to feel so much more sophisticated. Who knew the Bohemian Rhapsody was such an integral part of the bathing experience?
» The-Muffin-Man on 2007-08-30 07:45:40

lol. I should show my friend who swims this.
» Bizzle_whore on 2007-08-30 09:28:44

RSS or E-mail Subscription?
I have the Email one set up right now but it seems like RSS would be less of a pain. I don't mind, whichever works for you.
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