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Saturday. 7.14.12 2:35 pm
My life...

hmm

I wish I could make it concise. I feel like there's just SO much going on right now, both inside and out, and I can't even really talk about it anymore. I hang out with people from church, a lot, and everyone wants to know how everyone else is doing. Which is fine! I like to ask people what's going on, and I like to be asked, usually.

But sometimes, I feel like it's just not an applicable question.

I went to a rather large conference in San Antonio last week, and leading up to it, everyone was getting really fired up and super excited about what was to come. People kept wanting to know how I was feeling, being a pretty new Christian and never having gone to such a large gathering before. I wasn't as energetic as others. I didn't really have any expectations. People ask, "how do you feel?" and I have to say, "I don't."

It's not that I wasn't happy to be going or anything like that. It's just that I tend to close off when the ambient excitement exceeds my own. And, while I CAN be very energetic and even hyper-active, it's not a state of being that I can hop into at will. When I feel like being quiet, I can't continue to be loud. It takes too much emotional stamina. At times like those, I prefer to watch more than to participate. I don't set expectations if I've got nothing to set them by. It makes no sense to me.

On a related note, the conference was a total blast. I met a few people, had a lot of fun, and generally just learned a lot. It's definitely a good thing that I decided to go (mostly at the urging of my fellow disciples, haha).

I feel sort of bad that I don't post here as much as I used to. I feel like this community is stagnating a bit, and I'm not helping by being absent. At the same time...I dunno, I guess my urge to blog has severely decreased in the past few months. I talk about my life with friends a lot more than I used to, so maybe the need for me to write things down and work them out has diminished.

I do miss my old friends, though. Everyone seems so busy and far away, though I guess the same is true of me. It's possible my naivete about the bonds of highschool friendship is wearing off. Maybe that's a good thing? Still sad, but it is what it is. I feel like the people I used to be close to just aren't the same anymore. Certainly, I'm not. (And here, I thought I would always be the same.) Our interests and values don't meet up anymore. The only thing holding us together is a commitment and nostalgia.

How tenuous.
4 Comments.


The community is stagnating. :/ It seems like a bunch of us just stopped posting as much...
» randomjunk on 2012-07-15 05:01:53

NO THE COMMUNITY IS NOT STAGNATING SHUT YOUR FACES

But I realized that I was several entries behind on you, midday my dear. Alas.


I have this weird feeling when I hang out with my Christian friends because while I self-identify really strongly as a Christian, the "FCA" or "YoungLife" or "Campus Crusader" types seem to have their own language and culture on top of all of that. I get it because I grew up knowing these people, but every time I go to close an email "Christ's blessings to you" or when we start talking about someone's "Walk" I just can't do it without feeling like an impostor. I also have a hard time praying out loud in a circle, where they let just anyone chime in... they're all like, "I'M ALIVE WITH THE FIRE OF THE LORD RIGHT NOW LORDGODHEAVENLYFATHER!!!!" and I'm like, "Yeah, I mean, me too, uh... I mean, well, not right at this minute I guess, I can't really summon the feeling at will, uh..."

Wish I could, though, because those people all seem mysteriously happy all the time... Have you heard that song "Happy" by Matt West? That's how I feel most of the time.
» Zanzibar on 2012-07-16 05:47:44

Well, i agree thatthe community has been quiet lately. Dont see much of the old faces anymore... But im still blogging actively.:-)

People change n somewhat we have to acknowledge it. I have wanted things to stay the same but know it is impossible i accept the changes and grateful for such memories though some r no longer my friends due to petty arguments. N some not even inviting me to their wedding. Which is gd so i dont have to buy them gift.

What i do is to try keep meeting new ppl so i can continue to grow. There is always a reason ppl leave n enter into our lives.

So don be sad.:-)

» renaye on 2012-07-16 08:23:37

heh heh, but it was a split-second decision made because of my thoughts, which are quite possibly a chaotic amplification of QUANTUM RANDOMNESS and biological FEEDBACKS!
» Zanzibar on 2012-08-09 06:27:30

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