Peanut Butter Oreos
by: myself

Today we’ll be making a snack that’s healthy, all natural, and aesthetically pleasing. No, not really. We’re smearing peanut butter on Oreos. There are two giants in the snack world. Well, three: cheese, peanut butter, and chocolate. Any combination of the three can potentially be mouthwatering, but for now you’ll only read about two. So, let’s begin.

For the purpose of neatness, gather all the necessary materials on a table before starting. You’ll need a source of peanut butter (preferably a jar [preferably plastic {but it doesn’t really matter}]), a knife that won’t bend easily, a decent supply of Oreo cookies, and a plate. The size of the plate depends mostly on your supply of cookies, assuming you want to use them all. Or it might depend on your supply of peanut butter. Whichever of the two runs out quickest.

First, the Oreos. You know chocolate. Everyone loves it. I don’t need to tell you that. One of the most warmly received chocolate products, behind the chocolate fondue fountain, is the Oreo cookie. For our purposes, we’ll need the Double Stuffed kind for two reasons. Firstly because when split open, Double Stuffed Oreos split evenly nearly every time, with the cream entirely on one side, and leaving no question as to what side one should lick or eat separately. Secondly because the extra cream counteracts the tendency of the crunchy, chocolate-y cracker to absorb all your saliva and become extremely sticky (the peanut butter will probably make this worse). More cream means less scraping the roof of your mouth. However, using normal or reduced fat Oreo cookies is acceptable, even if it means you’re really a pansy. Take each side of the cookie in one hand, and twist. The twisting should be gentle yet firm so as to preserve the structural integrity of each cracker (you don’t want a broken cookie) and also to encourage all of the creamy goodness to stay on one side or the other. Also, each hand should twist in the opposite direction of the other hand. Otherwise, the cookie will simply rotate in front of your face and taunt you with its one-ness. You will fail. Assuming you do not fail in this way, lay each side of the cookie down on the plate. Take note of which side has a large white circle on it.

Second, the peanut butter. Now, peanut butter is big. Almost every candy bar that doesn’t have caramel in it has peanut butter instead. Peanut butter is much more versatile. (You won’t find caramel being sold by the jar.) Personally, I prefer Peter Pan brand, though JIF is good, too. As long as it’s not that “all natural” stuff. You’ll find that your taste buds are unsatisfied, and that your stomach contents tend to settle out unpleasantly. You need a steady supply of preservatives in your diet. On top of that, stay away from the crunchy kind, as that will ruin the texture of your delicacy. (There is a time and place for nuts in your butter, and this is neither.) As a side note, it might be interesting to try the peanut butter that comes pre-mixed with grape jelly, if it tickles your fancy. Acquire some peanut butter on your inflexible knife, and spread it evenly on the naked cracker; that is, on the cracker that has no cream on it. If there is no such cracker, use the one with the least amount of impurity. The layer of peanut butter should be no thicker than the cracker itself, and there should be room around the edges for smearing.

The last step is the most satisfying, and the most vital. Take both sides of the estranged cookie and place them together, cream against peanut butter. Line up the crackers themselves so that as seen from above, they overlap perfectly. Press them together slowly until the peanut butter oozes out just enough to pass the edges of the cookie, but no more. Note that one should have caution of extra oozage during consumption. Grab a glass of milk, because you know that if PB&J sandwiches alone or Oreos alone go with milk, then a combination practically demands it. Heed your thirst. Enjoy!